I’m been shying away from people lately. This in part has to do with a lot of things that have been happening physically and mentally. Winters are rough on my body and with my trial starting in a month, I’ve been running on four panic attacks a day and a feeling of drowning. There is only so many…
If you have worked with Jacs or spent time with her on a rough day, please help her out. If you have your own chronic pain story, please think about contacting her and sharing it.
It scares me that I'm a white cis dude because I don't want to be a part of the patriarchy. What can I do?
we’re all part of the patriarchy unfortunately, even non-white-cis-dudes. even peeps being oppressed by patriarchal structures have a ton of internalized problems that we have to interrogate and work out. i have internalized misogyny and racism and all that horrible shit.
i think the best thing you (and i, since i’m hella privileged also) and everyone else can do is constnaly examine our motives and norms and beliefs. like when we hear someone say a dude is “creepy”, we should stop ourselves from the kneejerk response most of us still have to do “wow do u have any PROOF maybe he’s a NICE GUY whos just MISUNDERSTOOD” and when we hear oppressed groups saying righteous shit like “death to white cis men” we should stop ourselves from the kneejerk response of “wow thats racism !!” because its not, and we know better, or at least, we can learn better. we can believe rape victims, we can yell at racists, and we can shut the h*ck up when another white (or cis or male or hetero or whatever majority group you belong to) voice is not needed, which is a lot more often than we think
not being racist and not being sexist and not being transphobic and oppressive isn’t a passive act, it’s active and constant. privilege means you can just chill out and be racist and oppressive by default with literally no consequences; it happens when we let our guard down and when we do nothing. we have to work hard at it to not be part of the problem, or at least less of a problem
These past few months, I have found myself repeating the same bit of advice to a number of different people dealing with breakups. I’ve decided to share it here in case you need to hear it too.
Some very lovely people have expressed sadness that their ex isn’t pining over them.
Most often, this is accompanied by a feeling of guilt for wanting someone else to feel unhappy.
Here’s the thing.
Nearly all of us fall victim to craving that kind of validation from time to time. It doesn’t matter that you don’t actually want that person back in your life. The desire to see them pining is about not wanting to feel easily forgotten in general. The feelings are triggered by your ex, but they aren’t really about your ex.
You need to remember that how this one person feels is not indicative of how other people will feel about you.
(Besides, you don’t actually know if your ex pines for you or not. You can’t know what’s in their head or how they behave when they are alone.)
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to feel disposable.
These are pretty normal human feelings and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for having them.
Resist letting these feelings mean more than they do. You don’t want to feel easily cast aside, and that’s important, but that doesn’t necessarily mean something specific about your ex. Sometimes the feelings don’t signify anything about the specific person to whom they happen to be attached. It’s just about you wanting to feel valued.
I bet there are other people in your life who enjoy you and care about you. They put the lie to any feelings you have about being easily cast aside. Don’t do yourself the disservice of discounting those relationships that don’t have a sexual component, when you are thinking about how appreciated you are.
"So, if Rat Park is to be believed, drug addiction is a situation that arises from poor socioeconomic conditions. From literally being a rat in a cage. If you’re a rat in a park, you’d rather hang out with your friends and explore the world around you. "
Fuck that, it’s not a dichotomy. Let’s not act like mascara glues girls eyes so shut that they can’t read a word of Dickens or solve a trig problem. Let’s talk about how no boy has ever been asked if he’d rather get his Bachelor’s or get married; no boy has ever been told that he’s too handsome to run for office. So why cover up my tits so you can take me seriously?
*stammers* um.. sorry I have to go now I’m late for dinner my moms calling
*plays ringtone and pretends to talk to mom* “sure mom you want me home right this second? Ok” *closes flip phone and turns to you* “look I gotta dip but it was nice talking” *older frat boy pulls up in his convertible with loud music playing.* “see ya!” *jumps in back of car* makes out with frat boy as he speeds off*
“Starting is much more holistically fulfilling than stopping. Positivity is plain better than negativity. And if our outsider voices are ever to be heard, to be given space in a wider cultural discourse, then we have to forge our own path, stick to our creative visions, and make the effort constantly to refocus … on who we are and not be angry at what we’re perceived to be. But that comes, of course, with a danger. The danger is that we will never be heard.”—Dan Holloway, Starttober: Sometimes It’s Better Not to Be Heard
I’m reading Utopia, by Sir Thomas More, and I am came across this passage:
"But in fact, to tell you the truth, I myself have not yet made up mind whether or not to publish it at all. For the tastes of mortals are so various, the temperaments of some are so bitter, their minds so ungrateful, their judgments so preposterous that a person would do far better to follow his own bent and lead a merry life than to wear himself out trying to publish something useful or entertaining for an audience so finicky and ungrateful. Most people know nothing about learning and many despise it.
Dummies reject as too hard whatever is not dumb. The literati look down their noses at anything not swarming with obsolete words. Some like only ancient authors; many like only their own writing. One person is so dour that he cannot abide jokes; another is so witless that he cannot stand anything witty. Some have so little nose for satire that they dread it the way someone bitten by a rabid dog fears water. Others are so changeable that their approval depends on whether they are sitting down or standing up.”
When I read this, I felt that More could have been speaking directly to me, across hundreds of years. I create photos, games, short stories - and because I make things and put them out there, people talk about them. Some people like what I do, some people hate it, others fall somewhere in between. One thing I’ve learned, and perhaps what More is getting at, is that to make something means that people will respond to it.
Sometimes I get messages on the same day from someone telling me that my work delighted them, while another person was driven into a rage by it’s deficiencies.
It’s impossible to make a thing that everyone will enjoy. In the end, I’ve decided to work to my own delight and satisfaction, and to hold myself to a standard that I decide on. If you are struggling with releasing something into the world because you know that people might not like it, understand that you are not alone.
It’s interesting to see that More struggled with this, but in the end decided to go forward anyway. I suppose, in the end, he decided that Haters were going to Hate, and he might as well tell them about Utopia while they did it.
Let’s say there is a beautiful intelligent woman with excellent taste who posts a fair bit of music, and you’d love to listen to it as a radio station while you work. Well, you can do what I just did and enter her tumblr’s name on the trntbl page, and it will make something like this for you: